30 Questions to Ask Yourself If You Want to Be a Better Parent -1-
Okay, I admit it’s a catchy title, but I was thinking about the next blog to write, and we did a couple of Q&A YouTube videos. I thought we could do one for the blog too. It’s not always easy to find new topics; sometimes it flows naturally I can hardly keep up writing. Then there are other times I am researching more, and this is one of them. Bear with me; I know you will still be very encouraged.
Yes, we all want to be good parents.
We want our children to feel loved, secure, understood, guided, and prepared for life. We want to raise children who know who they are, make wise choices, love God, and build healthy relationships. Don’t we?
But wanting to be a good parent and intentionally becoming one are not always the same thing. I’ve seen this over and over again in our 20 years of mentoring parents: good intentions alone don’t transform us naturally; that would be too easy.
And in addition, parenting has a way of exposing us.
It reveals our impatience, our fears, our expectations, our wounds, our need for control, and sometimes even beliefs we did not realize we were carrying. Ouch, that hurts- it hurt me, and it can either catapult us into change or keep us in bondage and shame.
God uses parenting primarily to shape us. I know you thought it’s about teaching your children, but God has a marvelous way of sharpening us.
Psalm 139:23–24 says:
“Search me, God, and know my heart... See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Sometimes becoming a better parent begins not with learning another parenting technique, but with asking ourselves better questions, so you're welcome.
These 30 parenting reflection questions are in no way meant to produce guilt or condemnation. They are an invitation to slow down, become honest, listen to the Holy Spirit, and consider what kind of atmosphere we are creating in our homes.
Sometimes we need a little moment to assess where we are.
You do not need to answer all 15 at once (this is the first part).
Take one question at a time. Print the Assessment sheet.
Pray about it.
Journal your answer.
Talk about it with your spouse or a best friend.
And allow God to show you where He may be inviting you to grow.
1. Does my child know that I genuinely enjoy being with them?
Children need more than knowing they are loved.
They also need to experience that we like being with them.
Do they regularly see joy on our face when they walk into the room?
Do we laugh together?
Do we enjoy conversations that are not about homework, chores, behavior, schedules, or responsibilities?
Sometimes children hear “I love you” while experiencing a parent who constantly seems irritated by their presence.
Love should not only be spoken.
It should be felt.
2. Does my child receive more correction from me than encouragement?
Think about the words your child hears from you throughout an ordinary day.
Stop.
Hurry up.
Don't do that.
Clean this.
Put that away.
Why did you do that?
Did you finish your homework?
Parents naturally spend a lot of time directing children.
But children need to hear what we see growing in them.
“You were really patient with your sister.”
“I noticed how hard you worked.”
“That was kind.”
“I love seeing how generous you are.”
Our words help shape the way our children see themselves.
3. Am I trying to control my child, or am I teaching them self-control?
This is a big one! Control produces outward obedience while leaving the heart unchanged.
Biblical parenting is not ultimately about raising children who behave perfectly whenever a parent is watching.
We want our children to develop wisdom, discernment, responsibility, and self-control.
Galatians 5:22–23 reminds us that self-control is part of the fruit of the Spirit.
The goal is not that our children always need us to manage them.
The goal is that, increasingly, they learn to govern themselves under God's leadership.
4. Do I listen to understand, or mostly listen so I can respond?
Sometimes children stop talking because they already know what their parent is going to say.
They know the lecture.
They know the correction.
They know the advice.
But sometimes your child does not need an immediate solution.
They need you to understand their world.
James 1:19 tells us to be quick to listen and slow to speak.
Ask questions.
Stay curious.
Listen longer than feels necessary.
What seems small to you may feel enormous to them.
5. Is my child allowed to disagree with me respectfully?
Another biggie. Respect does not mean your child must have the same opinion as you.
Especially as children grow older, healthy families make room for questions, conversations, and differences of opinion.
You are still the parent.
You are still responsible for boundaries.
But a child should be able to say, “I don't see it that way,” without fearing rejection or anger.
One day your child will need to stand firm when friends, culture, or pressure push them toward something wrong.
Learning how to disagree respectfully at home is valuable preparation for that moment.
6. Do I discipline differently when I am embarrassed?
A child misbehaving at home can feel very different from a child misbehaving in front of other people.
Suddenly our reputation becomes involved.
“What will they think of me?”
That is when discipline can become harsher than necessary.
Ask yourself whether you are correcting your child because they genuinely need correction, or because their behavior made you feel embarrassed.
Discipline should serve the child, not protect the parent's image.
7. Am I expecting behavior that is realistic for my child's age?
This is such a valuable question to ask ourselves in every season. A two-year-old is not a ten-year-old.
A ten-year-old is not a sixteen-year-old.
Sometimes we become frustrated because our expectations do not match our child's developmental stage.
Young children need repetition.
Teenagers need increasing responsibility.
Children who are tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or overstimulated may struggle more than usual.
Good parenting requires both standards and wisdom.
8. Do I apologize when I am wrong?
Your authority is not weakened when you apologize.
It is strengthened.
When you lose your temper, speak unfairly, assume the worst, or handle something poorly, let your child hear:
“I was wrong.”
“I should not have spoken to you like that.”
“Please forgive me.”
You are teaching them what repentance looks like.
Children need parents who know how to humble themselves before God and others.
9. Does my child feel emotionally safe with me?
When your child makes a mistake, who do they want to call?
When something embarrassing happens, do they hide it from you?
When they are struggling, do they believe you will listen before reacting?
Emotional safety does not mean approving of everything.
It means your child knows that failure does not remove your love.
Correction and connection can exist at the same time.
10. Am I parenting out of fear?
Unfortunately, this is a very common one. Fear can quietly drive many parenting decisions.
Fear that our child will rebel.
Fear that they will fail.
Fear of what other people will think.
Fear of the internet.
Fear of culture.
Fear that we have already made too many mistakes.
Fear often makes parents either controlling or passive.
But 2 Timothy 1:7 reminds us that God has not given us a spirit of fear.
Wisdom is necessary.
Boundaries are necessary.
Discernment is necessary.
Fear is not a goot counselor.
11. Am I asking my child to carry emotions that belong to me?
Statements such as:
“You are making me crazy.”
“Look what you did to your mother.”
“You ruined the whole day.”
Can place emotional responsibility onto a child that belongs to the adult.
Children are responsible for their actions.
Parents are responsible for their own responses.
We can correct behavior without making children responsible for regulating our emotions.
12. Do my children see that my marriage matters?
For married parents, one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is a marriage that we continue to nurture.
Children should see affection.
Respect.
Forgiveness.
Conversation.
Laughter.
Unity.
They should know that Mom and Dad's relationship did not disappear when parenting began.
A strong marriage creates security far beyond the couple itself.
13. Am I treating each of my children as an individual?
What works beautifully with one child may fail with another.
One child needs more time to process.
Another talks immediately.
One is naturally compliant.
Another asks a thousand questions.
One thrives in groups.
Another needs quiet.
Fair parenting does not always mean identical parenting.
Knowing your children means recognizing how uniquely God created them.
14. Do I compare my children with each other?
“Why can't you be more like your brother?”
“Your sister never did this.”
Even casual comparison can create competition, shame, and resentment between siblings.
Your children are not supposed to become each other.
Your responsibility is to help each child become who God created them to be.
15. What atmosphere do I create when something goes wrong?
Every family has spilled milk, forgotten homework, broken objects, bad grades, missed buses, disrespectful moments, and terrible decisions.
What happens next?
Does the entire house become tense?
Does everyone fear your reaction?
Or is there correction without chaos?
The emotional climate parents create during mistakes teaches children whether failure is something to hide or something that can be faced, repaired, and learned from.
This is a great place to pause. Part 2 is coming next week, but before we move on, take a few minutes for an honest parenting check-in. Choose your preferred language below and work through the checklist at your own pace. Don’t miss this beautiful opportunity for growth.
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