Parentification
Parenting is never easy. But parenting through pain — after a divorce, the death of a spouse, or a difficult marrital season even — can shake the foundations of your family. In these moments, many single parents unintentionally let go of their God-given authority, simply because they’re emotionally exhausted.
They begin to overshare with their children—talking openly about their personal struggles, the pain of dealing with a separated partner, or the heavy weight of carrying everything alone. Little by little, often without even noticing, they start to treat their child more like a partner than a son or daughter. Maybe the child begins sleeping in their bed. Maybe they’re asked for advice or drawn into decisions that are far beyond their responsibility or maturity, and just like that, your child slips into a role they were never meant to play — that of the parent. It's a weight far too heavy for their small shoulders. It's a burden that robs them of something they can never get back: their childhood.
This isn’t easy to hear. Let’s be honest — you didn’t plan for this. Life happened, and now you feel overwhelmed and stretched thin. But here’s the hard truth: when you step out of your God-given authority, your child will step into it. And that never brings peace. It creates pressure, confusion, and a weight your child was not meant to carry.
When Children Carry What’s Not Theirs.
Children mirror the environment they live in. If the parent steps back, they instinctively step up to fill the void.
You don't usually have to tell them — they take on the role automatically, even in unstable families or those dealing with substance abuse or depression.
I grew up in a home where my parents fought all the time. Little by little, I took on the responsibility of keeping the peace. I tried to be as good as I could, because children often assume the fights are somehow their fault. So they try to fix their way. At twelve, I worked multiple jobs so I wouldn’t have to depend on them — money was one of the biggest fighting points. I talked to my mom. I talked to my dad. I tried to hold the family together. And just like that, I became the peacemaker. It wasn't something I planned, but I believed that someone had to do it — at least that's what I thought back then. I didn’t choose it. I just filled the role.
It wasn’t until much later, during a time of inner healing, that I finally understood what had happened. Somewhere along the way, there had been an exchange — a silent, invisible shift — and I had taken on a burden that was never meant for me. A burden that, deep down, had been quietly crushing me for years, and I thought I was fine.
Maybe you’re just now realizing how sneaky this shows up. We don’t sit our kids down and assign them a role. We don’t hand them the baton and say, “Here, it’s your job to hold the family together.” It’s unspoken. Quiet. Subtle. But they feel the weight of it anyway.
Children have this almost instinctive way of stepping into the gap. They sense the tension. They sense the cracks in the foundation. Without even realising it, they take on what was never meant to be theirs — because, at their core, all children simply long for a safe world. And to a child, their whole world is mom and dad. They can rest when that world feels secure, strong and united. But when it starts to crumble, they step in — not because they should, but because they are desperate to keep it together, as this is all they have.
Don’t Make Your Child Your Anchor
Many single parents — out of pain, loneliness, or guilt — unintentionally make their child their anchor.
However, your child was never intended to be your emotional support, therapist or best friend. They need the space and security to simply be a child. They need you to be the parent.
God never designed the child to carry the mom or the dad.
The parent is meant to carry, guide, and protect the child.
If you find yourself in this situation, I know it's difficult to hear, but... But don't condemn yourself with feelings of guilt or shame — that won't change a thing. The first step is to acknowledge it. Let the Holy Spirit gently uncover the hidden root, repent, and take back your God-given role as the parent and leader in your home.
Then, go to your child and ask for forgiveness. This may feel humbling, but it’s one of the most powerful steps you can take to restore trust and realign the family structure.
Pray for the support you need—whether that’s a strong church family, a home group, a trusted friend, or a mentor. You were never meant to carry this alone. Please don’t isolate. Don’t hide. It truly takes a village to raise a family. If you want to lift that heavy burden off your child’s shoulders, you’ll need the support, encouragement, and accountability of trusted people around you.
Let's be real: change doesn't just happen by itself. It takes effort. It takes humility. You need a network of people who will support you, remind you of the truth and encourage you when things get tough. But with God's grace and the right support, it can be done.
Authority Is Not Control — It’s Security
In today’s culture, authority is often misunderstood as control. But God’s design is different.
Healthy authority doesn’t crush a child — it protects, guides, and stabilizes them.
Especially in seasons of family crisis, children need:
Clear boundaries.
Consistent structure.
A parent who stands firm, even when everything else feels uncertain.
When you stand as the parent, you give your child something their heart desperately needs: a safe and steady place to grow.
“Let all things be done decently and in order.” – 1 Corinthians 14:40
Practical Steps to Reclaim Authority
1. Set healthy boundaries
Don't burden your child with your adult struggles. They were never meant to carry the weight of your pain, fear or disappointment. When you confide in them as you would a peer, the natural boundaries between parent and child become blurred. They end up bearing emotional burdens that are too much for them. Guard their innocence by keeping adult burdens where they belong — with trusted adults and the Lord.
2. Re-establish structure
Children find safety in what’s steady. Consistent routines — shared meals, regular bedtimes, clear rhythms — create more than order; they build a sense of security. Predictability is not control; it’s comfort. It tells your child: “You can rest. I’ve got this.” And when they feel safe, they can be children again, not little protectors trying to keep the world from falling apart.
3. Invite godly community
You were never meant to do this alone. God designed families to be strengthened through community. Find a trusted, faith-filled family or mentor who can speak into your life, walk with you, and model healthy dynamics. When your child sees other stable, godly adults around you, it lightens the pressure they feel to hold everything together.
4. Pray for strength
At the end of the day, this battle isn’t just practical — it’s spiritual. God is the ultimate Father. He sees you. He loves your child even more than you do. And He is fully able to give you the wisdom, courage, and grace to lead your home again. Even if the ship feels like it’s drifting, He can turn it around.
“With God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).
Parenting through pain is one of the most challenging journeys. It reveals weaknesses you didn’t even know you had and pushes you to your limits. But it is also at this point that God steps in with His strength. Your story isn’t over, and neither is your child's. Neither of your stories are defined by the brokenness you’ve experienced.
You may have unintentionally placed a burden on their shoulders, but with God's grace, this weight can be lifted. It's not about shame; it's about redemption. As you reclaim your God-given authority, set boundaries, rebuild structure, and surround yourself with a godly community, you will be giving your child the gift of a proper childhood.
According to God's design, authority isn't about control; it's about protection. It creates safety, order and peace where there was once chaos. You are not alone in this. The same God who holds the world together also holds your family. He can redeem what was lost, restore what was broken, and strengthen what remains.
Take courage. Stand firm. Be the parent God intended you to be. He is faithful and will finish what he starts — even here, even now.
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