Divorce
Wow, I know this post is not an easy one, and I almost didn’t want to write it, but I can’t shake it and can’t push it aside; I have this deep conviction to put it on digital paper.
This is not a post to shame anybody who has been divorced, but from growing up, where divorce was very unusual in the Christian circle, seeing only 30 years later a majority of our small little church divorced, and now hearing more and more divorces even in the Christian circle, I can’t keep quiet.
The claim that “Christians divorce at the same rate as everyone else” needs some qualification. A lot depends on how researchers define “Christian.” Someone may identify as Christian or say they accepted Jesus years ago, yet have very little active involvement in the Christian faith.
When researchers look at how people practise their faith, rather than simply how they identify, the picture can look quite different.
Personally, I seem to hear about divorce among Christians much more often than when I was growing up. But that’s an observation, not a reliable statistic! :-)
Have We Become Too Comfortable With Divorce?
When I was growing up, divorce was not something people spoke about casually. There was often a sense of shame surrounding it, and while I know many people have been deeply hurt or wrongly shamed by the Church, especially those who have had to leave abusive or unsafe marriages, that is not what I am defending.
But I do believe we also need to acknowledge something else: the shock surrounding divorce has slowly disappeared, even within the Church.
What was once seen as something deeply painful and serious can now sometimes be treated almost as a normal part of life. And while compassion, grace, and understanding must always be present, we should be careful not to become so accustomed to divorce that we stop grieving the breaking of a marriage covenant.
I feel sad. Not just for the couple, but for the kids and the generations to come.
What made me write this blog, in addition to the nudge of the Holy Spirit, is a YouTube video. Katy Faust said in the video: Children are harmed by divorce. We can measure it in terms of their physical bodies, their emotional health, their academic performance, and their own future relationships.
We have all heard the statistics. Children who grow up with divorced parents are, on average, more likely to struggle academically, less likely to complete higher education, more likely to experience emotional and behavioural difficulties, more likely to face instability in their own relationships, less likely to marry, more likely to cohabit rather than marry, more likely to experience divorce themselves later in life, more likely to struggle with trust and commitment, more likely to experience financial hardship, more likely to carry relational wounds into adulthood … and the list could go on; we are all too familiar with hearing this.
But somehow, we have become numb to all of this. Divorce has become so common that we barely stop to think about what it means or what it leaves behind. We barely blink, yet an entire generation of children is growing up carrying the consequences.
And from a legal and cultural perspective, divorce was one of the first major shifts in how marriage itself was understood. Historically, marriage was built around three defining characteristics: permanence, complementarity, and monogamy. Once permanence became negotiable, the understanding of marriage began to change with it.
Katy Faust says it in an almost brutal way.
Two adults decide, “We do not want to carry this pain anymore.”
And then, without ever saying the words out loud, they turn to the child and say, “You carry it.”
That is the part where I stopped the YouTube video.
It shocked me that someone would even say it out loud.
Honestly, we do not hear divorce spoken about this way very often anymore. We hear, “The children are resilient.” “They will adjust.” “They will work through it.” “They will be fine.” And in Christian circles, sometimes even, “God heals.”
And yes, God does heal. Absolutely.
But healing does not mean there was no wound.
Grace does not mean there were no consequences.
And a child learning to survive something does not mean that something did not cost them deeply.
I think sometimes we use comforting language because the truth feels too uncomfortable. We want to believe that if the adults are happier, the children will eventually be happier too. We tell ourselves that children are adaptable, that two peaceful homes are better than one unhappy home, that they will get used to the new normal.
Sometimes those things may be true, especially where there has been abuse, danger, addiction, or severe dysfunction.
But we should be very careful not to use exceptions to silence the larger question.
What did the child lose?
Because something was lost.
The child did not only lose the marriage of his or her parents. In many cases, the child lost the daily presence of both parents under one roof, the security of one home, ordinary mornings and evenings together, family traditions that no longer look the same, birthdays without divided schedules, Christmas without choosing sides, and the simple assumption that Mum and Dad would still be together tomorrow. And this not only in childhood, but for their entire life.
We have become very good at talking about the adults’ pain in divorce.
We talk about their right to start again, their need to heal, their journey toward happiness, their freedom, their new beginning.
But who speaks for the child?
Who asks what it feels like to pack a bag every second weekend?
Who asks what it feels like to miss Dad when you are with Mum and miss Mum when you are with Dad?
Who asks what it does to a child to love two people who no longer want to be in the same room?
Who asks how it feels when the two people who were supposed to be their safest place can no longer keep their own covenant together?
That is why Katy Faust’s words shocked me so deeply.
Because she said plainly what we so often soften:
The burden does not simply disappear.
Someone carries it.
It is the child.
Marriage Was Meant to Give Children Permanence
Faust is also very clear that there are legitimate reasons why a marriage may have to end. She names abuse or extreme cruelty, abandonment, adultery, and addiction. This is not an argument that someone should remain in a dangerous or destructive situation. So please, if you are reading this and you are in such a relationship, get help right away. This blog post is not written for you, but for the couples that are saying that a marriage should be dissolvable simply because one spouse is unhappy, disappointed, or no longer feels fulfilled.
And this is where her argument about children becomes so important.
Children do not need their mother and father only while they are babies. They do not stop needing them when they finish elementary school, become teenagers, or turn eighteen. What they need is the deep security of knowing, “These are my people. This is my family. I belong here, and that belonging is permanent.”
Marriage was meant to create that kind of permanence.
But when children repeatedly see marriages end, even marriages they thought were secure, something can shift in the way they view marriage itself. Instead of seeing marriage as a place of safety, permanence, and belonging, some young adults begin to see it as a risk.
Why fully commit yourself to something that may disappear?
Why trust “forever” when you have watched forever end?
And perhaps that is one of the consequences we talk about far too little.
Marriage is not primarily about adult happiness
But marriage was never promised to be easy.
My husband and I have had moments where we knew something had to change. Every couple who has been married for any significant length of time will eventually face a season when they have to say, “We cannot continue like this. We need a course correction.”
The question is not whether marriage will become painful.
The question is: when it does, who will carry the pain?
The adults who made the covenant, or the children who never had a say in breaking it?
This runs underneath almost everything she says.
Faust believes Western culture shifted marriage from:
“an institution designed around children and society”
toward:
“a vehicle for adult fulfillment.”
Once the governing principle becomes:
“Marriage exists to make me happy,”
Adults often say, “The children will adjust.”
Katy Faust asks: Why should they have to?
What we are told today: “Children are resilient; divorce doesn't really affect them as long as the parents are happier.”
The evidence does not support that as a general statement.
From a Christian perspective, divorce is not only a legal or emotional event. It is the breaking of a covenant, and because children are part of that covenant household, they feel the spiritual consequences even when they cannot put words to them.
Scripture presents marriage as something God joins together, not merely an agreement between two adults. Jesus says, “What God has joined together, let no one separate” in Matthew 19:6. So when a marriage breaks, children experience more than two homes. They experience a rupture in their understanding of permanence, trust, belonging, authority, and covenant.
A child builds their first picture of God through family life. Not perfectly, of course, but the home teaches them what love, faithfulness, forgiveness, protection, authority, and commitment look like. When a father or mother leaves, betrays, becomes hostile, or forces the child into divided loyalties, the child can begin asking spiritual questions without even realizing it: “Do people who love me leave? Can promises be broken? Is love permanent? Is God really faithful? Can I trust authority?”
That does not mean every child of divorce will struggle with God. Many become deeply rooted believers. But divorce creates wounds that later affect how they understand the Father's heart of God, intimacy, marriage, forgiveness, and security.
When Divorce Divides a Child’s Heart
Another spiritual consequence is divided loyalty. Children often feel they must protect one parent from the other. They may become emotional caretakers, hide affection for one parent, or feel guilty for enjoying time with the other. Scripture never intended children to carry adult burdens like that. Parents are called to carry responsibility for the family, not reverse the roles.
Divorce can also plant fear about future marriage. A child may grow up thinking, “Marriage does not last,” “People leave when things get hard,” or “I need an escape route.” That belief can follow them into their own relationships. Spiritually, this is why generational patterns matter. Not because children are automatically cursed by a divorce, but because what one generation normalizes, the next generation can unconsciously repeat unless it is confronted, healed, and replaced with truth.
There is also the issue of bitterness. Hebrews 12 warns about a “root of bitterness.” After divorce, children can quietly carry anger toward their father, mother, step-parent, God, or even themselves. Sometimes the adults move on while the child remains stuck in questions nobody helped them process.
Jesus Can Still Restore the Family Story
There is enormous hope, but this hope should not become an excuse to leave an unhappy marriage.
But, indeed, a broken family does not mean a broken destiny.
God is able to heal what people have damaged. PRAISE THE LORD! Psalm 68:5 describes Him as “a father to the fatherless.” Psalm 147:3 says He “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” God can restore security, identity, trust, and even a healthy vision of marriage in a child who has experienced divorce.
For Christian parents considering divorce, the spiritual question should therefore not only be:
“Am I happy in this marriage?”
It should also be:
“What covenant am I breaking?”
“What will this teach my children about faithfulness?”
“Have we truly pursued repentance, forgiveness, counsel, accountability, and reconciliation?”
“Are we transferring an adult burden onto our children because we no longer want to carry it?”
At the same time, Scripture must never be used to trap someone in violence, serious abuse, abandonment, or ongoing destructive sin. Protecting children from genuine danger is not rebellion against God's design for marriage.
The strongest Christian message is probably this:
Children need more than parents who stay legally married. They need to see covenant lived out.
They need to watch adults repent.
Forgive.
Keep promises.
Seek help.
Submit pride to Christ.
Fight for unity.
Choose faithfulness when feelings change.
And when divorce has already happened, the Church's job is not to condemn the child or shame the parent. It is to help that family heal, forgive, rebuild trust, and make sure the next generation does not inherit bitterness, fear, or hopelessness.
Spiritually, divorce breaks the structure of a family, but Jesus still restores the story of a family
What If Only One Spouse Is Fighting, or Only One Follows Christ?
This is an important one, because after the last paragraph, many of you could say, well, I am the only one fighting, or my husband/wife is not a Christian, so that’s an out.
This is my story.
I grew up in a deeply divided home. When I was five years old, my mother gave her life to Jesus, while my father remained Muslim. From a very young age, I understood what it meant to live in a home where two completely different faiths, worldviews, and spiritual directions existed under the same roof.
There was constant tension. As a child, I often found myself living in the middle of those two worlds, and I became the peacemaker as the eldest.
Looking back, I can see how deeply that shaped me. I learned early what spiritual division inside a family can feel like, and I also saw the quiet strength it takes for one person to keep following Jesus when their spouse does not share the same faith.
And I know this: it is possible.
There were even people in the Church who told my mother she could divorce. But she chose to stay faithful. I know her life has been a living sacrifice in ways most people, not even me, will never fully understand.
Her faithfulness has become an incredible testimony, not only to her children, but now also to her grandchildren. We have watched her keep choosing Jesus, keep praying, keep loving, keep standing, and keep honoring the covenant she made, even when it cost her deeply.
Her name may never be known by many people on this earth, but I know it is known in heaven.
And I believe the generations that come after her will speak about her faithfulness.
Her perseverance has become part of our family story. Her obedience has become part of our inheritance. And now it is our mandate to carry that legacy forward, to live with the same faithfulness, and to keep telling the generations after us what one woman’s obedience to God can produce.
She may never stand on a stage or have her story known by thousands, but her life has preached a sermon to her children and grandchildren that none of us will ever forget.
You can do the same.
I pray that this blog post will be an encouragement to you and never a source of condemnation. That is not my heart in writing it.
Only the Holy Spirit knows your full story, your wounds, your marriage, your family, and what you have walked through. My prayer is simply that, as you read, He would speak to your heart, bring conviction where needed, healing where there has been pain, wisdom where there is confusion, and hope where things feel broken.
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