What’s Quietly Destroying Your Marriage
There’s a hidden issue damaging countless Christian marriages—and most couples don’t even see it coming. It’s one of those topics that might get a brief mention in pre-marital counseling… but once real life begins—kids, ministry, work, exhaustion—it quietly gets pushed aside.
While preparing for our recent Marriage and Family Seminar, the Holy Spirit strongly prompted me to speak on this very issue. At first, I wondered if it was just our story. But as we shared it, couple after couple told us, “That’s exactly what we’re walking through.” Whether you’ve been married 5 years or 40, this challenge shows up—and it matters more than we realize.
This isn’t just about communication or intimacy. It’s about the spiritual drift, the emotional disconnect, and the quiet erosion of unity that so many Christian couples experience—but rarely talk about. Today, we’re naming it, exposing it, and offering real hope to fight back.
So, what’s this all about? I think I’ve kept you long enough.
Family is God’s design—a place where identity and calling are received. He created this structure for us.
When we look to Scripture, we see that God has a clear plan for marriage and family. Genesis 2:24 says, "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."
Biblically, this verse contains several key truths about marriage, each reflecting God’s purpose and intention for the relationship between husband and wife. Let’s break it down:
Leaving Father and Mother
The first part of the verse speaks of leaving one's father and mother. This is not just a physical departure, but a call to emotional and relational independence. God designed marriage to create a new primary relationship between a man and a woman. When a man marries, he is to establish a new household and place his spouse above all other relationships, including his relationship with his parents. This doesn't mean abandoning or dishonouring his parents, but rather recognising that the marriage bond must become the central, defining relationship in his life after God.United to His Wife
This phrase underscores the intentional, covenantal bond God designed for marriage. To be "united" means to hold fast, to choose attachment—not once, but daily. It signifies a deep, enduring connection that goes beyond mere proximity. It’s about loyalty, mutual commitment, and the forging of a shared path. Marriage, in God’s eyes, isn’t simply cohabitation—it’s a sacred fusion of hearts, minds, and purposes. This unity involves honoring each other’s individuality while building something greater together: a life that reflects the love and faithfulness of Christ.
One Flesh
The expression “one flesh” reveals the profound mystery and beauty of marital union. It's more than physical intimacy—it’s about total integration. Two lives, once separate, are now knit together in every area: spiritually, emotionally, relationally, and practically. “One flesh” speaks to vulnerability, shared purpose, and the kind of closeness that mirrors God’s own desire for communion with His people. In this oneness, each spouse gives themselves fully and receives the other completely, creating a space of deep trust, mutual sacrifice, and lasting love.
Taken as a whole, Genesis 2:24 is not just a simple prescription for marital relationships; it's a divine blueprint for what marriage should be - the union of two people called to live as one, emotionally and spiritually. This union is sacred and should be protected and nurtured as a reflection of God's covenant relationship with His people.
This verse, though simple in its wording, shows the deep, profound and lifelong commitment that marriage is meant to be. It's about leaving behind the old to cling to the new, and becoming a reflection of God's love, unity and plan.
Wow, this is powerful in itself, but how do we apply this in our daily lives? Does this divine truth reflect my marriage covenant?
Have I really left my family?
Take a moment to pause and invite the Holy Spirit to gently reveal the truth in your life, your commitment, and your marriage. Allow Him to speak into your heart and guide you in deep reflection.
Let me share a bit of my own story. There was a time in our early years when I didn’t realize how my attachment to my parents was affecting my marriage. I hadn’t fully let go of the emotional bond with them, especially my mother. I was afraid of hurting her, and as much as I loved my wife, I found myself inadvertently protecting my mother instead.
I’m sure many men can relate to this. It’s a common challenge that we don’t always recognize until it starts to cause tension.
The situation only grew more complicated after we had children. My mother’s involvement deepened, and I found myself caught in the middle of two worlds. On one hand, there was my wife, the woman I had committed to, and on the other, there were my parents, especially my mother, who had always been a constant presence in my life. This tug-of-war brought us many conflicts in our marriage—unspoken tensions that simmered beneath the surface, threatening the harmony I was desperately trying to maintain.
I remember the weight of those days, feeling like I was failing in both areas. My loyalty seemed divided, and no matter how much I wanted to protect my wife and children, I couldn’t shake the feeling of obligation to my parents. I didn't want to hurt anyone, but in the process, I was unknowingly hurting the very person I was meant to cherish and protect the most—my wife.
I finally found the courage to say “stop” that things began to change. It wasn’t easy—saying those words felt like a betrayal to my parents, but I knew it was the only way forward. Setting boundaries with them was shocking, to say the least. The tension that followed was palpable, but in hindsight, it was a turning point.
That moment marked the beginning of a new chapter in our marriage. A chapter where my wife became my priority after God, where I learned to guard our relationship above all else. Though it was difficult, it was also incredibly freeing—because sometimes, in order to protect what’s most precious, we have to make tough decisions and set boundaries that may not always be easy, but are absolutely necessary.
Genesis 2:24 speaks clearly about a man leaving his family. It’s not just about moving out; it’s about creating a new household, with a new priority. In that new household, the wife is the priority—this is God’s design.
The Fear of Setting Boundaries with Parents: A Struggle Many Face
Setting healthy boundaries with our parents is not easy, and it often comes with deep fears and anxieties. Here are some common reasons why so many struggle to establish these boundaries:
Fear of Rejection or Disappointment: The fear of rejection can be particularly powerful when we’ve spent years seeking their validation or trying to meet their expectations. It’s natural to want our parents to be proud of us, to feel accepted and loved. So, when the need arises to set a boundary that might not align with their desires or wishes, we fear that it could strain the relationship or lead to their disapproval.
Guilt: Guilt is one of the most powerful emotions that can hold us back from setting boundaries, especially when it comes to our parents. From a young age, many of us are conditioned to put our parents' needs above our own. We are taught to honor and respect them, sometimes to the point where we neglect our own emotional health and well-being in the process. This conditioning create a toxic dynamic where we feel responsible for our parents' happiness and emotional stability, even as adults.
Fear of Losing Connection: We might fear that setting boundaries will unravel the sense of intimacy and support we've always known, and that it will weaken the bond we've relied on. However, what we fail to recognize is that true connection can only flourish in an environment where both parties feel respected and valued, and boundaries are an essential part of that respect.
Cultural or Familial Expectations: In certain cultures or families, the expectation of lifelong obedience to parents is deeply ingrained, often becoming a defining part of our identity. The idea of setting boundaries can feel like a direct challenge to these norms, leaving us torn between honoring our family’s traditions and taking care of our own needs. The fear of being seen as disrespectful or disloyal can make it incredibly difficult to assert healthy boundaries, even when it’s necessary for our well-being.
Lack of Confidence: For many, the idea of setting boundaries brings up feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. We might worry that we don’t have the strength or skills to enforce them properly, and fear that our efforts will be ignored or met with resistance. The uncertainty about how to communicate our needs effectively can leave us feeling overwhelmed. Yet, learning to set boundaries is a skill that can be developed over time, and with practice, we can grow more confident in asserting our needs in a respectful and firm way.
Emotional Manipulation: Parents may unknowingly or intentionally use guilt, shame, or manipulation to maintain control, making it incredibly difficult for their children to set boundaries. Breaking free from this manipulation requires not only setting boundaries but also healing from the emotional weight of constantly trying to please others at the cost of our own peace.
Attachment Patterns: For those raised in environments where their emotional needs were neglected or where they weren’t allowed to assert themselves, establishing healthy boundaries as adults can be a significant challenge. The patterns of attachment formed in childhood often shape how we approach relationships later in life.
Fear of Change: When relationships have always been one-sided or overly dependent, introducing boundaries can feel like stepping into unfamiliar territory. The fear of the unknown often arises, as both parties may not know how to navigate the new dynamic. This uncertainty can make us resist change, even when we know it’s necessary for our growth and well-being.
You may be struggling with one or more of these fears. They are real, and they can keep us from having the healthy, respectful relationships we long for. But here's the good news: recognising them is the first step to overcoming them. Acknowledging what's in our way gives us the clarity and strength to move forward. Understanding the importance of boundaries and how to lovingly enforce them not only protects our wellbeing, but also leads to healing and stronger, more balanced relationships. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
For us, this tension lasted almost a decade - starting before we were married and continuing long after the birth of our first child. It wasn't easy and it wasn't resolved overnight. Over time, my parents began to understand the importance of boundaries, but the road to mutual understanding was far from smooth.
Looking back, I realise that the struggle wasn't just about protecting my marriage - it was also about my own personal growth. I had always been a people-pleaser, reluctant to disappoint or upset anyone, especially my parents. But through the process of setting boundaries, I began to find my voice. Saying 'no' to my parents wasn't just a protective act for my marriage; it gave me the confidence to say 'no' in other areas of my life. That one little word - "no" - became a powerful tool that shaped my ability to stand up for myself and build healthier relationships all around.
Are You Facing the Same Challenge?
Many of you know firsthand how these struggles can affect your marriage. The ability to stand up for my wife and children gave me confidence and authority. It was as if I stepped into true manhood—embracing my God-given role as a protector. Because that’s what we, as men, are called to be.
When this truth is released in our lives, we come alive!
And sometimes, we have to take this step more than once.
What about you? Do you feel stuck, knowing what you need to do but struggling to break free? The Holy Spirit brings deep healing, exposing the roots of these attachments so that you can sever unhealthy ties and replace lies with truth.
Stepping out from under my parents’ covering—not just physically, but also in decision-making—has brought deep healing to our marriage. Obeying God’s call to “leave and cleave” (Genesis 2:24) allowed us to truly become one, walk in unity, and build a home led by the Holy Spirit, not by past patterns.
And I want to encourage you: take that step. Be courageous. You can’t stay paralyzed just because you’re afraid to rock the boat with your family of origin. If you don’t make this shift, you will—sooner or later—choose against your wife and your children, even without realizing it. God's design is clear: your marriage comes first. Honor your parents, yes—but do not let them lead your home. Break free from fear, walk in obedience, and let God establish your household.
You’re not alone—reach out if you need encouragement or support.
