That's just the way it is
What is the meaning of this phrase anyway? We say it so casually - "That's just the way it is". - or, as we would say in Switzerland: "Das isch halt so!”
This post is for parents who feel stuck in repeating patterns—picky eating, screen addiction, impatience, disrespect, or constant battles—and want to move from “resignation” to “intentional parenting” with faith, clarity, and practical steps.
It's more than a simple statement; it's a quiet acceptance of a situation without a desire to explore its depths. It often carries a nuanced undertone of resignation, suggesting that one is either unable or unwilling to explore the reasons behind it. It's just the way it is; there's nothing I can do about it. In my many years of parenting, I have heard this phrase repeated by countless parents.
Why this phrase matters in parenting:
• It shuts down curiosity and problem-solving
• It lowers expectations and weakens follow-through
• It shapes a child’s identity (“This is just who I am”)
• It trains parents to accept what God may want to transform
Common Parenting Struggles We Label as “Unchangeable”
Most of the time, it goes something like this.
"My child just doesn't want to eat healthy food."
"My daughter simply can't play on her own."
"My son is just plain impatient."
"My kids simply can't stay at the table."
"My daughter is just a little rough.
"My son simply cannot share."
"My teenager is always on his smart phone."
...
These are common parenting challenges: picky eating, independent play, patience, table manners, sharing, rough behavior, and teen screen time. But common does not mean “unchangeable.”
When Do You Lose Hope as a Parent? A Self-Reflection Moment
These familiar scenarios may resonate as you navigate the complex parenting landscape. On this journey of reflection, please take a moment to consider your own experiences. In the coming weeks, pay close attention to the instances in which you may unconsciously resort to, or perhaps reluctantly surrender to, the phrase "that's just the way it is.
Parenting is a continuous learning process. We often encounter moments when certain behaviors or situations seem beyond our understanding or control. When challenged, we may find comfort in the simplicity of saying, "That's just how it is!" But behind that lies a complex web of emotions, experiences, and expectations.
As you reflect, ask yourself: When do you perceive your child's actions as unchangeable, leading you to accept this phrase as a form of resignation? Is it at mealtimes, when your child insists on a limited choice of food? It may show up when your daughter seems unable to play alone, when your son's impatience becomes a recurring theme, or when your child rushes past the grandparents for the millionth time without saying hello.
Are there situations where you've lost hope, or where the complexity of the problem has led you to accept it as an unchangeable reality? Acknowledging these moments opens the door to a more conscious and proactive approach. This process fosters self-awareness and gives you the tools to reframe challenges as opportunities for growth and transformation.
Parenting Reset Questions:
• Where have I stopped believing change is possible?
• What am I avoiding because it feels too hard?
• What boundary or habit needs rebuilding?
• What is my next small step in training?
The Power of Words in Parenting: Identity, Hope, and Direction
Remember, the power of your words goes beyond mere communication; it shapes the narrative of your child's perception of themselves and the world around them. By consciously examining when and how you use the phrase 'that's just the way it is', you empower yourself to break free from unproductive patterns and adopt a more dynamic, solution-oriented attitude to your parenting journey.
The Vicious Cycle of Resignation in Family Life
Now is an excellent time to stop and reflect - yes, you have the time. If it feels out of reach, consider rearranging your schedule or coming back, but don't let this precious opportunity slip away. That is the vicious cycle that is maintained by relying on such statements. It brings a sense of shame, sprinkled with grams of frustration and a hefty dose of disillusionment, while reinforcing the idea that everyone else is facing the same struggles, so it's normal, and I can't change anything.
Comparisons are made - other children seem to avoid vegetables, some struggle with independent play, and our neighbor's son's fixation on his smartphone is a constant. "That's just the way it is," echoes through our heads.
Comparison kills courage. Just because many families struggle doesn’t mean your family has to stay stuck.
Invite Holy Spirit: Replace Hopeless Parenting with Wisdom and Courage
It's time to break out of this repetitive pattern. Let's consciously step out of the spiral and take a deliberate pause. Connect with Holy Spirit. Inquire about the areas where hope seems to have slipped away, and pray for a renewed sense of purpose and replenishment in your parenting journey. By facing these challenges head-on, we open ourselves to the possibility of transformation and a refreshed perspective.
To say, "That's the way it is," is to close off the possibility of change. It limits the active options available to us as parents. Ironically, we may unconsciously rely on this phrase because of this limitation.
During your time of reflection, can you identify moments when you lost hope that anything could change?
Train Up a Child: Why Biblical Parenting Requires Intentional Teaching
Let me make it clear—this is not how it's supposed to be, and it's not as simple as that. Just because everyone is doing it doesn't make it right; I still hear my mom's resounding words in my ear. This holds even truer now than when I was a teenager.
Sometimes it seems like we trust our kids too much to eat healthy, be patient, or engage in conversations beyond their phones on their own. Or maybe, deep down, it's because we don't trust ourselves to teach them. Once again, moms and dads, parenting is a marathon. That's the way it should be-our children won't miraculously adopt healthy habits; we're called to train them. Even in a world where teaching your children manners can make you feel like an alien, I've seen this countless times. But I have seen it done by my parents and their friends. However, I feel sad that role models are in short supply nowadays. So I've made it my mission to encourage you. Yes, it is possible. Yes, it will take time. No, there are no shortcuts. But you will discover the beauty of teaching when you move away from the quick fix.
There are no shortcuts to character. But there is a path: repetition, follow-through, modeling, and patient training over time.
It is undeniably beautiful, slow, messy, challenging, time-consuming, and revealing of our flaws. I understand that this may not make for a great commercial, but I believe it's more important to tell the truth than to paint an unrealistic picture.
What Children Believe About Themselves When We Say “That’s Just How You Are”
These children of yours are a gift entrusted to you, not for excuses, but to train them. You have the power to make a difference in this world, where kindness, honesty, and wisdom have a profound meaning and point to hope.
Therefore, be mindful of the words you speak to your children. While you might not perceive it that way, consider the message you convey when you say, "It's just that way." In the realm of parenting, these statements often become ingrained in the narrative, especially with young children. What we may not realize is that their sensitive ears absorb and internalize this as a defining aspect of their identity. – "This is just how I am." They wear it like a second skin.
It's paramount to be discerning with the words we choose.
Teen Parenting: When “Cute” Becomes Costly
Now consider the effect on teenagers. It's not a neutral term. Comments about their negative behavior are often met with eye-rolling and sometimes loud protests.
Pause and reflect on this, (only for parents of teenagers, the rest of you are off the hook for the moment, but your time will come). What behaviors have you seemingly brushed away with a "that's just the way it is," and now, as your child has grown up, it's still present but doesn't look very sweet in a big body? What might have been perceived as somewhat cute in a three-year-old loses its charm rapidly when coming from a teenager. The respect your teenager holds for you diminishes just as swiftly. The habit is the same; the frame has changed.
Examples of “That’s just how they are” in teens:
• Disrespectful tone
• Phone obsession/screen addiction
• Refusing family connection
• Impulsivity and poor self-control
• Ignoring basic manners
Our disappointment in our teenage children is intensified by this situation.
They continue to yearn for unconditional acceptance and a sense of belonging. They want us as parents to believe in them. When this belief wavers, the relationship develops cracks. They may never openly admit it, but the effect is there.
The more we rely on such statements, the more destructive the patterns become.
Let's work together to identify and eliminate these useless and harmful habits from our parenting repertoire. It's a powerful step toward fostering healthier and more constructive communication with our children. It opens the door to dialogue, understanding, and, most importantly, the possibility of positive change.
Repair and Reset: Asking Forgiveness and Rebuilding Trust
It is ok to go back to your preschooler or Teenager and ask for forgiveness for using this sentence over and over again.
In our parenting classes, we've witnessed numerous courageous parents who took the transformative step of changing the course of their ship. It began with a simple yet powerful "I am sorry, will you forgive me?" followed by meaningful actions.
It's never too late; there is hope for you and your family! I understand that hearing this can be overwhelming. We often tend to push it away, thinking "Oh no, I don't have a problem with this". Or the overwhelm can fall on us like a heavy pile of shame, leaving us feeling paralyzed. But neither response brings about real change..
Practical Next Steps: How to Stop Saying “That’s Just the Way It Is”
• Choose one issue to address first
• Replace resignation with one clear expectation
• Follow through consistently for 7–14 days
• Teach the skill (don’t assume it will appear)
• Celebrate progress, not perfection
• Ask Holy Spirit for wisdom for your specific child
Take time to pray about the next steps. Allow Holy Spirit to reveal and provide personalized wisdom for your family. This is incredibly valuable. As I've mentioned countless times before, take it step by step. The journey is worth it.
Quick Summary: From Resignation to Hope in Parenting
• The words you repeat become a family narrative
• “That’s just the way it is” shuts down change
• Children internalize labels as identity
• Teens reveal what we tolerated earlier
• Hope returns when parents lead with training and consistency
• Holy Spirit gives personalized wisdom for each child
🌱 We believe strong families change the world.
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