What If Your Wounds Are Doing the Parenting?

We’ve talked about it often—and it’s becoming more and more central to our ministry: the healing of past wounds.
Not just as a side note, not as a bonus module tucked away at the end.
God kept bringing it up. He wouldn’t let us ignore it.
Because we can’t talk about family without talking about healing.
We can't lead our children into freedom while we limp silently from places we've never nurtured.

Without healing, we risk parenting from our cracks—those quiet places of pain we’ve learned to function around.
We carry on. We love deeply. We try our best—and oh, how hard we try.
Just like I did.
You’ve probably done the same—preparing for your child, taking parenting classes, seeking the Holy Spirit’s wisdom, reading all the books.
We’re champions at this.
Tell us what to do, and we’ll do it.
We’re wired for action, for growth, for moving forward.

But sometimes, the next step isn’t forward.
It’s inward.

Sometimes God lovingly calls us to pause…
To look back.
Not to dwell, but to heal.
To tend to the places we’ve buried so well that even we forgot they were there.
Because only when we parent from a healed place can we truly lead with clarity, compassion, and grace—not from fear, or shame, or unresolved pain.

And don’t get me wrong—this isn’t a one-time breakthrough.
This isn’t something we tick off and move on from.
It’s a journey. A rhythm. A life of returning to Him with openness and honesty.

The Word reminds us:

“...put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.”
— Colossians 3:10 (NIV)
(Being renewed = ongoing action, still unfolding, still becoming.)

“Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.”
— 2 Corinthians 4:16 (NIV)

Renewed. Daily.
This is the pace of grace.
And this is where real change begins—not just for us, but for the generations after us.

We recently had an online inner healing session with a soon-to-be mom, and I was deeply moved—by her vulnerability, her strength, and her desire to clear out old wounds for the sake of her unborn child.
There was something so powerful about it…
The awareness.
The intentionality.
The courage to say, “It stops with me.”

It stirred something in me.
Because I didn’t have that.
Many of us didn’t.
We brushed the past aside, put on a brave face, and just… kept going.

But what if we had paused back then?
What if we had known that healing isn’t selfish—
It’s a gift to the next generation?

We’re not about what ifs—because there is always hope. I thank God that, even though it came later for me than for this beautiful mom-to-be, I finally gathered the courage to look at the patterns and lies that have shaped who I am.
Did I think they were even there? Not at all.
How naïve of me.

But God’s timing is perfect. And when I finally opened my heart to His healing, I realized how much I had been carrying—things I didn’t even know were weighing me down.

What are you sensing in this moment? I pray that you can pause and take a breath. This isn't about my words reaching you, but His. What is He saying to you right now? Begin with a simple question: Are there past wounds you want me to look at, Holy Spirit?

What is He whispering to your heart? Don’t rush past it. Pause. Write it down. This moment is too precious, too holy, too life-changing to overlook.

We now know just how formative the early years of our lives are. Once you start to understand this, it can feel overwhelming to realize how deeply ingrained words, actions, and the atmosphere at home can affect our adult lives. But here’s the truth—God doesn’t want us to be overwhelmed by this reality.

We are not called to parent out of fear of making mistakes or striving for perfection. That’s where the issue lies—this is not something we can fix by just trying harder. What I’ve learned is that it’s through surrender, not effort, that healing happens. It’s in letting Him uncover those past wounds that continue to shape our thoughts, actions, or reactions—even when we don’t really want to acknowledge them. It’s a process of trusting Him to heal what we often don’t even realize is still affecting us.

There is more freedom.

Galatians 5:1: (TPT)
At last we have freedom, for Christ has set us free! We must always cherish this truth and firmly refuse to go back into the bondage of our past.

What a powerful vers!

Parenting from Unhealed Wounds: The Struggle Between Two Extremes

We either repeat what we grew up with, or we overcorrect in an attempt to avoid it. Both stem from the same underlying problem - unhealed wounds from our past. The problem is that when we react out of fear or a desire to protect our children from the same hurts we experienced, we can unwittingly create a similar dynamic, just with a different appearance.

Let’s take a closer look at how we might unknowingly parent from our unhealed wounds.

1. From Overprotectiveness to Overcontrolling

Scenario: Perhaps you experienced abandonment or neglect as a child. You might struggle to be emotionally present for your child, finding it hard to engage with their needs or connect deeply.

Negative Impact on Parenting: The emotional distance from your own upbringing might cause you to avoid vulnerability, leading your child to struggle with expressing their emotions. They may feel rejected or believe their feelings aren't important, making it harder for them to trust or seek comfort from you.

Opposite Reaction: In an attempt to make up for what you didn't receive, you might swing to the other side by indulging your child excessively. You give them whatever they want, shower them with attention and gifts, and avoid setting boundaries.

Negative Impact on Parenting: Over-indulgence can lead to entitlement. Your child may struggle with self-discipline, boundaries, and respect for others. Without the ability to cope with disappointment or earn rewards, they might struggle when faced with real-world challenges.

2. From Harsh Criticism to Excessive Perfectionism

Scenario: If you were harshly criticized growing up, you may fear that your child won’t meet expectations. As a result, you push them hard, constantly pointing out their flaws and demanding perfection.

Negative Impact on Parenting: This approach can make your child feel unworthy because they are constantly striving to meet unrealistic standards. The pressure can undermine their sense of self-worth and create a fear of failure.

Opposite Reaction: Trying to avoid this, you may swing in the other direction, praising your child excessively and telling them how amazing they are—even when the praise isn’t earned or genuine.

Negative Impact on Parenting: Excessive praise can create unrealistic expectations and hinder your child’s ability to develop resilience. When they don't live up to the exaggerated praise, they might struggle with self-esteem and feel a disconnect between their true abilities and how they are perceived.

3. From Emotional Shutdown to Emotional Overreaction

Scenario: If you grew up in a home where emotions were dismissed or ignored, you might avoid emotional vulnerability in your own parenting. However, this fear can cause you to overreact when your child expresses emotions, feeling overwhelmed or unsure how to handle their needs.

Negative Impact on Parenting: Instead of helping your child navigate their emotions, you may dismiss them, get angry, or withdraw. This causes an emotional disconnect, making it harder for your child to feel supported and understood.

Opposite Reaction: Instead of shutting down emotionally, you might find yourself reacting too strongly whenever your child expresses emotions, going to great lengths to make sure they feel heard and supported.

Negative Impact on Parenting: While your intentions are to nurture and validate your child’s feelings, an overreaction can overwhelm them. Constantly jumping in with excessive emotional responses or trying too hard to fix their feelings can prevent your child from learning how to process emotions on their own. They may come to rely on you to manage their emotions, which can create dependency and hinder their emotional independence as they grow.

4. From Emotional Reactivity to Emotional Volatility

Scenario: Having experienced emotional neglect or volatility in your upbringing, you may struggle to manage your own emotions. As a result, you might react with anger or frustration even over minor situations, driven by the fear of losing control.

Negative Impact on Parenting: This creates an environment where your child feels unsafe or afraid to express themselves. They may fear triggering your emotional outbursts, which can stifle their own emotional expression.

Opposite Reaction: You may attempt to compensate by constantly showering your child with emotional attention. You ask about their feelings constantly, providing reassurance, even in situations where it's unnecessary.

Negative Impact on Parenting: While emotional availability is important, an overload of attention can overwhelm your child. They may feel suffocated, unable to manage their emotions independently and seeking constant reassurance from others.

Or let's consider how this plays out in marriage.

From Fear of Abandonment to Over-Commitment in Marriage

Scenario: Growing up in a broken family, where you may have witnessed instability or abandonment, you carry the fear that your Spouse might one day leave, or that the relationship could fall apart like what you’ve seen in the past. Out of this fear, you might overcompensate by becoming overly committed to your marriage, trying to be everything your spouse needs, constantly putting their needs above your own, and trying to avoid conflict at all costs to prevent any cracks from appearing in the relationship.

Negative Impact on Marriage: While your heart is in the right place, this over-commitment can lead to neglecting your own needs, desires, and boundaries. You may find yourself sacrificing too much, which can lead to resentment, burnout, and a loss of personal identity. Instead of fostering a healthy, balanced marriage, this fear-driven behavior creates an imbalance—one partner feels "choked," while the other feels emotionally unsupported and constantly seeks validation from the other.

Opposite Reaction: Alternatively, this fear of abandonment might cause you to pull away, emotionally disconnecting from your spouse in an effort to protect yourself from the pain of potential loss. You might keep your distance, avoiding vulnerability and emotional investment to guard against the hurt that could come from another disappointment.

Negative Impact on Marriage: This emotional distance can create a sense of isolation in your marriage, where both partners feel disconnected and unable to truly engage with each other on a deep, intimate level. Over time, this lack of emotional closeness can erode the foundation of the relationship, leading to loneliness, frustration, and a weakening bond.

While most of the scenarios above contain elements of truth, the underlying issue is that they often stem from a place of fear rather than freedom. When we parent or react out of fear—whether it’s the fear of repeating past mistakes or overcorrecting an area where we feel we’ve gone wrong—we’re not operating from a place of healthy choice, but from a place of limitation.

Fear drives us to control, to overcompensate, or to react impulsively, all in an attempt to avoid the same pitfalls we experienced growing up. We think if we do the opposite, we’ll somehow fix things. But what we’re really doing is creating new patterns of behavior that may feel safer in the moment, but ultimately, they’re rooted in the same fear-driven cycle. We become trapped in the pursuit of perfection, always trying to get it "right," but this striving often leaves us feeling more anxious, disconnected, and unsure.

In truth, we’re not called to parent from fear. We’re called to parent from freedom—freedom to acknowledge our imperfections, to be vulnerable, and to heal.

It’s through healing and letting the Holy Spirit uncover these patterns that we can truly break the cycle—only with Him, and not by trying harder in our own strength. It’s not about striving or pushing; it’s about surrendering, allowing God to heal those deep places, and trusting His work within us.

So, what did He say to you in this moment? Are there past wounds that are still influencing your present? Know that you’re not alone in this journey. There are people who would love to walk alongside you, offering support, prayer, and encouragement. Take a moment to ask Him—Who are the ones He’s placed in your life to help you heal and grow?