Beyond Obedience
As parents, our goal is to reach the heart of our child—not just outward compliance.
You’ve probably noticed certain attitudes or statements from your child that reflect this:
After a time-out:
“I may have sat down, but inside I was still standing!”
After an apology:
“I said sorry, but I didn’t really mean it!”
After helping with chores:
“I helped, but only after rolling my eyes and grumbling under my breath while I did it!”
To be honest, not every child would say it out loud like that. Some might—others might just keep their fists clenched in their pockets.
And here lies the problem: outwardly, they complied or obeyed, but for very different reasons.
For example:
because they didn’t feel like arguing
because they wanted to get back to playing faster
But this kind of inner attitude is not our ultimate goal as parents. We’re not raising robots.
Maybe you’re reading this now and feeling a bit frustrated. “Really? I need to take care of this too? Isn’t the doing the goal? Isn’t that already enough? Won’t they just figure it out on their own? Do I really need to take this much more time to go deeper? Parenting is already tough enough—this feels like taking it to the extreme!”
I get it. Teaching the heart takes more energy, more patience, and often more time than simply correcting the behavior. But here’s the reality: outward behavior without inward change doesn’t last. If we settle for compliance, we might win short-term peace, but we lose the long-term transformation.
And transformation—that heart-level shift—is what prepares our children to stand firm when no one is watching. Do we really want kids who do the right thing without understanding why? Children who obey only out of fear, or only when we’re present to enforce it? Because if that’s all we aim for, that’s exactly the kind of parenting outcome we’ll produce. When no one is looking, they will see no reason to obey, no reason to choose what is good.
That’s why this “extra effort” isn’t actually extra—it’s the very core of our calling as parents. It’s what Proverbs 22:6 points us to: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Training isn’t just about behavior modification; it’s about shaping the heart so that our children’s choices flow out of inner conviction, not just external pressure.
It’s not simply “make your kid behave.” It’s: set the direction of their heart and life early on, according to the way they are to go. You dedicate them to a path of wisdom, righteousness, and godly living. The promise is that when they are older, those early heart-level foundations will remain.
How do you feel right now?
Let’s do a little test. Think back to your own upbringing and look at your life today. Do you do what’s right because you know it’s right—because it’s built into your convictions? Or do you find yourself unsure, always second-guessing, trying to follow the rules out of fear of making a mistake?
And what about when no one is watching? If there’s no policeman on the road, do you press the gas a little harder? If no one will see, do you toss a piece of trash into the neighbor’s yard because it already looks messy and you assume it won’t matter?
Both of these patterns show a lack of true freedom. In the first case, you’re still bound by fear and insecurity. In the second, your values only hold as long as someone is watching—when the eyes are gone, so are the virtues. Neither of these is strong enough to carry you through life. True character is how you conduct yourself in both public and private, without fear or hypocrisy.
So how do we get there?
If your kids are still young, don’t worry too much about whether their “sorry” is heartfelt or not. Instead, consistently teach them what forgiveness means and what making things right looks like. Don’t hold back, because they do not understand it yet.
It is true that:
Toddlers (1–3): They begin to respond to parental correction with guilt or shame. But at this stage, morality is mostly about consequences, so not yet knowing right from wrong from a hearts perspective.
Preschool (3–5): Right and wrong become clearer, but still external. They know “rules” and like fairness. They’ll protest if something is “not fair.” Conscience is tender at this stage.
School Age (6–10): They begin to grasp moral reasoning beyond rules. Right and wrong are tied to empathy, justice, and relationships. They can feel true remorse.
Adolescence: Abstract moral reasoning develops. Teens can wrestle with principles (“Why is lying wrong if it doesn’t hurt anyone?”). This is where heart-level formation is crucial—truth, Scripture, and Spirit-shaping must guide them.
The conscience is God’s imprint, His moral law written on every human heart. But here’s the sobering reality: that imprint can be shaped, dulled, or sharpened depending on what surrounds the child. The world will either desensitize or inflame it. As parents, our role is to sharpen it, to train it, to keep it tender toward the things of God. That shaping happens in everyday moments—when we stop to kneel down at their level and explain why hitting their sibling was hurtful, when we model asking for forgiveness ourselves, and when we point them back to Scripture as the ultimate measure of truth.
And this is where we must remember that child development is not just about psychology. The Holy Spirit convicts beyond psychology. He goes deeper than what even the best researchers can measure. A child raised in truth and love can respond to God’s voice earlier than we might expect. Many parents can testify that their sons and daughters, even as young as five or six, have had genuine encounters with conviction—understanding their own sin, experiencing the relief of forgiveness, and beginning to grasp the wonder of God’s grace. These are not manufactured moments; they are the real work of the Spirit in young hearts.
Our task is not to force maturity, but to till the soil so that when the Spirit speaks, their hearts are soft enough to receive it. That means creating an environment where God’s Word is central, where repentance is normal, and where grace flows freely. Over time, that early training moves our kids from behavior-based obedience into Spirit-shaped transformation.
Training our children has to be age-appropriate
Think of it as building brick upon brick. We don’t wait until they’re older to begin, and we don’t dump the whole load of bricks on them all at once. From the very beginning, while their will is still strong and consequences seem to speak louder than words, we mustn’t shy away from teaching why something is right or wrong. Yes, we keep it simple, yes, we keep it age-appropriate, but we do not skip over those first foundational bricks.
As they grow, our teaching grows with them. When they’re small, we might show them kindness in action by letting them see us share a cookie with a neighbor. As they get older, we talk about mercy, forgiveness, and generosity in ways that they can wrestle with at their stage of life. The goal is not one-time lessons, but continuous formation—values and truths woven into the fabric of family life. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking, “Well, I’ve already taught that once.” These lessons must become part of the rhythm of your parenting, repeated, reinforced, and lived out.
One of the best ways to do this is through stories—practical, relatable stories. They might be things your kids experienced at school, something that happened with their friends, or even situations you saw in a movie together. Stories give children a safe distance from their own actions, while still teaching the principle. Then, as you talk, ask them reflective questions:
How do you think the boy felt when he wasn’t included in the group?
What could you have done if you were there?
This kind of reflection invites them to step into someone else’s shoes. You’re not simply pointing out wrong behavior—you’re guiding them into awareness, empathy, and virtue. Over time, these repeated reflections shape their conscience in a way criticism never can.
As parents, this means thinking ahead. It requires creativity and intentionality. Every child is different, so we ask ourselves: How can I help this child specifically? How does he or she best take in information? Does my daughter respond best to direct conversations, while my son processes more indirectly.
This is the work of knowing our children and shepherding their hearts. Outward behavior may look good for a while, but our call is to go deeper. And we must remember—heart-level internalization doesn’t happen overnight. It takes patience, consistency, and a willingness to walk the long road with them. But brick by brick, truth sinks in, and their conscience grows sharper, their empathy deeper, and their lives more aligned with the heart of God.
Parents—Mama and Daddy—this is worth it. This is our God-given mission. Let’s not outsource our calling or take shortcuts. We are here for the long haul, and that means investing time, prayer, and presence. Embrace it wholeheartedly!