Do You Really Know Your Child?
I'm sure I'm getting a couple of perfectly threaded, nicely laminated eyebrows lifted, accompanied by their male counterparts saying, "Of course I do, after all, it’s my child."
Many parents assume they know their children well, but truly understanding a child’s heart, personality, gifts, struggles, and dreams requires intentional parenting, listening, observation, and humility.
Do You Really Know Your Child Beyond the Basics?
So, if I were to ask you to rate yourself on a scale of 0 to 10, would you pick 10, indicating that you know your child best?
I’m sure you know your child’s favorite color, preferred foods, and dislikes. You probably know their best friend, favorite activities, and other such details. These are the easier questions.
Surface-level knowledge matters, but a heart-level connection is what helps parents guide children with wisdom.
Knowing Your Child’s Heart, Temperament, and God Given Design
But what about their love language? Their temperament? Their strengths and weaknesses? What’s in their heart? What brings them joy? What makes them sad or angry? What are their dreams and desires?
Do you know your child? Do you know all your children? Knowing a child is challenging. We have three. How many do you have?
Every child is different, and each one needs to be known as an individual, not treated as a copy of their sibling or a reflection of parental expectations.
Why Knowing Your Child Changes With Every Age and Stage
Your child's age also makes a difference. Knowing a 2-year-old is different than knowing a 14-year-old.
Your two-year-old is mostly at home with you. Your teenager is often out and about, socializing with friends. You might not always be aware of what they are doing or what they choose to share with you.
As children grow, parents must move from constant observation to intentional conversation, trust building, and emotional availability.
Perhaps even after living with your children for eighteen years, truly understanding and knowing them remains a challenge. In the rush to meet the endless demands of daily life, parents often forget the importance of asking questions and listening empathetically, missing opportunities to capture the authentic core of who their children are.
This is why parent-child connection must be cultivated intentionally, not assumed automatically.
Why Deep Connection Takes Time and Intentionality
Delving deeper is no quick job. However, if we are to help them reach their full potential, it becomes vital to know them.
A child who feels known is more likely to feel secure, valued, and understood.
So, once more, it won't happen naturally or as effortlessly as we'd hope. You might easily answer the initial questions, but what about going further?
Are You Seeing Your Child Clearly, or Through Your Own Dreams?
Ask yourself: Does my son really like soccer because he loves it and his heart is in it, or has it always been my dream for him to play soccer? Does my daughter really want to do ballet, or have I always imagined sitting at her ballet recitals and watching her? Does my son really want to learn the guitar, or would he rather play the drums? Maybe my daughter wants to play soccer, and my son wants to join a dance group?
I am sure you are seeing that this knowing thing goes deeper than just being able to tick off some boxes.
One of the hardest parts of parenting is separating what we want for our children from who God created them to be.
Do you really know your child?
Many children may fulfill their parents' wishes because they understand that it is important to them, and they receive recognition for doing so. They may also appreciate the opportunity to spend quality time with their parents. And all of this is happening unconsciously. But is this really what fuels THEIR passion? How do you find out? Just ask them and observe.
Observation often reveals what children cannot yet explain with words.
Before Asking Your Child, Ask the Holy Spirit to Search Your Heart
But before you do, let me take you on a little journey.
Take a few moments and ask the Holy Spirit: "Is there anything within me that holds a fixed idea about my child's life? Am I trying to fulfill a dream that I couldn't achieve myself, or am I using my child as a trophy for my own validation? Is this ultimately more about me and less about them?"
These questions help parents identify whether they are nurturing their child’s calling or unconsciously projecting their own unfinished story.
When Parents Project Their Dreams Onto Their Children
In a study headed by Eddie Brummelman, PhD, of Utrecht University in the Netherlands, researchers learned that parents who focused on their own unfulfilled ambitions — as opposed to focusing on the ambitions of someone they knew — were more likely to want their kids to follow the same dreams they did. Most of the parents who thought this way were also unable to see their kids as individuals, as opposed to extensions of themselves.
One parent who had such a problem explained, “The overbearing part isn’t like outright aggression, it’s more of a subtle push to have them embrace the sport that has defined my life, and hopefully succeed where I failed.”
Do ask those courageous questions and give space to conviction. It’s not too late to turn this ship around.
Awareness allows parents to repent, realign, and lead their children with freedom instead of pressure.
Your Child Is Not Your Trophy; They Belong to God
Or do you really want your child to be your puppet when our Heavenly Father has a clear plan and future for them?
He has given each of us a unique purpose, and we should not burden our child with the weight of our own unmet expectations, especially if we feel we've fallen short.
How could we ever compete with His masterful plan?
Christian parenting means partnering with God’s purpose for your child, not forcing your own version of success onto them.
Ask God for Divine Perspective Over Your Child
Let's take a step back and gain some perspective. Divine perspective.
Write it all down and process. At the same time, jot down the things you feel have been taken from you or where you perceive you’ve failed. Allow Him to shed light on these areas, receive healing so that the infection doesn't spread to the next generation.
Unhealed disappointment can quietly become pressure placed on the next generation.
I didn't have clear expectations, or so I thought, because they weren't academic, nor leisurely, but there were still some lurking ideals that I first had to let go of to receive His perspective.
Parent Heart Work Comes Before Child Discovery
This is about you first, and then about getting to know your child. Please be completely honest. I know we are not accustomed to doing deep work, and especially not while reading a blog, but do give it a chance; it is worth it!
The deeper work you do with God can change the way you listen, guide, encourage, and correct your child.
How to Ask Better Questions and Truly Know Your Child
Put your cookie-cutter aside; it might be too small for your child. How to Ask Better Questions and Truly Know Your ChildOnce you've reflected on your expectations and brought them to light, take the time to really get to know your child by asking questions like:
"Do you enjoy going to soccer practice, or would you rather do something else during that time?"Do you like going biking with me, or what would bring you more joy during that time?"If you could play any instrument, which one would it be?"If we had an hour right now, what would you like to do with me?"
Open-ended questions help children feel safe to share what they truly enjoy, what they secretly hope for, and where they may feel pressured.
Quality Time Should Reach Your Child’s Heart, Not Just Yours
When we get extra time, we often take our kids to our hobbies and call it quality time, but we miss out on really getting to know them. I love my free Saturday mornings, which I can enjoy with a city stroll followed by coffee and a book. But I know that my daughters won't enjoy this as much as I do. They are both very unique. A copy-paste, "let's have some meaningful time together where I'm the only one having a good time," is not going to work.
Intentional connection means entering your child’s world, not only inviting them into yours.
Practical Challenge: Spend Time Discovering Your Child This Week
Take time this week for your older children. Ask them these questions, take them on a date, or sit by the lake, dream together, and get to know your child. Be interested in them. You will reach their heart because they will feel that they can trust you with THEIR wishes.
Trust grows when children know their parents will listen without mocking, correcting too quickly, or taking over the dream.
Why Children Need Parents Who Know and Protect Their Dreams
How wonderful it is when your child can fully trust you and knows that you won't laugh at them or crush their dreams because they don't mean anything to you. How precious it is when parents really know their children.
Being known by a parent can strengthen a child’s confidence, identity, and emotional security.
The older your child gets, the better you will get to know them. Start with the younger ones with small things and build on that. It takes time and attention.
Knowing Your Child Does Not Mean Removing Every Hard Thing
Here's a warning: We're not talking about children who used to enjoy playing the piano but are now going through a difficult phase and no longer want to practice. Or the boy who used to love playing soccer but now prefers hanging out with his friends. In these situations, you teach your child perseverance and sticking with it. But you do that because you know your child and know what they truly like.
Wisdom is knowing the difference between helping a child persevere and forcing them to live out your expectations.
I am also not talking about children not wanting to eat those leafy greens, or doing their homework, or doing their chores. I think you get the idea. It's not about your child never having to do something they don't like; it's about imposing your own dreams on them without recognizing their unique gifts and talents.
Final Encouragement: Your Child Is Designed by God, Not Defined by Your Expectations
Truly knowing your child is one of the most important parts of Christian parenting. It requires time, listening, observation, prayer, humility, and a willingness to release your own assumptions.
Your child is not a project, a performance, or a second chance at your unfinished dreams. They are a person created by God with their own gifts, temperament, desires, strengths, and calling.
When parents learn to ask better questions, listen deeply, and seek God’s perspective, children feel seen, valued, and free to become who they were created to be.
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