Are your children allowed to have their own opinion?
This section is for parents navigating pre-teen and teenage communication—especially ages 10–18—who are asking: “How do I talk to my teen?”, “Why does my child disagree with me?”, or “How do I keep authority while staying connected?”
Teen communication challenges often show up as disagreement, withdrawal, defensiveness, or emotional shutdown. This is a normal developmental phase—but how parents respond during these years deeply shapes long-term trust and adult relationships.
Are your children allowed to have their own opinion?
You would probably answer 'Yes', as I would have done, until I dug deeper. I quickly found that it wasn’t as easy for me to listen to my children's other opinions.
I am not talking about a child who talks back, is disrespectful or argues; I am talking about my pre-teen and teenage children, who usually started voicing another opinion at that age, although it can happen earlier for you.
I wasn’t prepared for that. It sounded disrespectful, but it wasn’t; it was my child voicing their opinion on an issue that differed from mine. I can laugh about it now, but I couldn't then. I quickly realised that, although I wanted my children to have their own opinions, I wasn't good at hearing them out.
Our parent-child relationship is great; we have spent years training their hearts. We knew that outward behaviour wouldn't be enough, but I realised that I needed to learn this lesson before our relationship became strained.
The older they get, the more they’ll want to share their views and attitudes, whether we listen or not. It’s better if we do. If you’re searching for “how to talk to my teen” or “my child disagrees with me,” you’re not alone—this is one of the most common parenting challenges in the middle years.
When Kids Get Opinions: Biblical Boundaries From Toddlers to Teenagers
What Are the “Middle Years” in Parenting?
The middle years usually span ages 8–12 and bridge childhood and adolescence. This is when children begin forming independent beliefs, values, and opinions—while still needing clear parental authority and emotional safety.
The need to voice opinions increases during these years. You might be thinking it’s already bad enough with your toddler—but soon you will realise, that that was nothing.
Granted, toddlers can defend their opinions very forcefully, with screaming and laying on the floor but whether they should wear rain boots all day or not, have ice cream for breakfast or not, or whether they’re really, truly tired—those are “only” the small things that are meant to prepare us parents for the big decisions.
During the toddler phase, it’s our job to teach our children life skills, character, values, and virtues. But also submitting to parental authority, obedience and biblical boundaries.
Then, as they reach their teens, it becomes increasingly essential to give our children the freedom to express their values and beliefs, while our responsibility is to create a home where love remains unconditional, even when opinions differ—so they can be honest without fear and still grow under wise parental authority.
This is where many parents get stuck: “If I listen, am I losing authority?” The answer is no—listening is not surrendering leadership.
Listening builds connection. Authority provides structure. Healthy parenting needs both. This is how you maintain parental authority while improving teen communication.
How to Talk So Your Teen Opens Up: Listening Without Lecturing
Whether your teenager talks a lot or not, seeking conversation with them is essential. But be mindful that you don’t only approach them, when you have something serious to talk about—otherwise your teen obviously will want to avoid those times, and you’ll quickly lose their heart. Talk about everyday stuff just as much as politics, faith, ethics, work, what’s happening in the world, music, etc. That way you quickly notice what’s on their heart, what they believe, and what they think and you show you are genuinely interested in how they think.
During these conversations, be a good listener and, something I constantly have to tell myself, refrain from offering 'your own advice', which often masquerades as good advice.
As parents, we have the bad habit of constantly lecturing or correcting our teenagers. Honestly, it isn’t always easy to hear their opinion when it goes against our value system. Our automatic reaction is to defend our own values, or even forbid those of others. Many friendships and families have been torn apart by this very thing. Don’t let yours be one of them — it’s worth the effort. But if we want our teenagers to continue opening up to us, a better approach is to endure (it really feels that way for me sometimes, honestly) it, take it seriously and acknowledge it.
Listening Framework: How to Talk So Your Teen Opens Up (Without Losing Authority)
Reflect back what you heard: “So you’re saying…”
Name the emotion without judging it: “That sounds frustrating / confusing.”
Ask one open question instead of making a speech: “What makes you feel that way?”
Pause. Count to three. Let the silence do some of the work. This is one of the simplest ways to improve teen communication without losing parental authority.
It’s not weak to listen. It’s strong. And it teaches our kids that they don’t need to hide to stay loved. You can still hold your standards—just don’t turn every conversation into a courtroom where you are the judge and they are the defendant.
These habits help teens feel emotionally safe while parents remain clear leaders in the home.
Try this daily: one compliment, one question, one touchpoint—especially on hard days. “I love how you handled that.” “What’s one thing on your mind?” (Then a hug, a pat on the shoulder, or even a simple smile.) It sounds small, but it builds a bridge. And bridges are what carry truth later.
What Shuts Teens Down Fast
• Interrupting
• Correcting too early
• Turning every talk into a sermon
• Using shame to enforce values
I struggle with this and I know I have to be attentive in those moments so I don’t mess it up.
How about you?
The information you get during these conversations can later be brought up again in everyday life, explored more deeply, and—depending on the moment—used to pass on virtues during teachable moments. But at this age it needs to be more subtle than with your 3-, 4-, or 7-year-old. A teenager quickly notices when you want to lecture them, and in most cases they shut down. So we need to be wise and more often keep our mouth shut rather than say too much.
That doesn’t mean our season of teaching is over, but it should become more of a walking-forward together. Kids have a voice—but parents still carry responsibility. That’s biblical leadership, not control.
Biblical Parenting for Teens: Truth With Relationship
God calls parents to lead with wisdom, consistency, and love—holding boundaries while staying emotionally available. This is discipleship at home.
This is where faith and wisdom meet everyday parenting. Scripture calls us to lead, yes—but also to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” If our teen shares something that shocks us, we can ask the Lord for self-control before we react. Authority without relationship becomes control. Relationship without authority becomes chaos. The goal is neither: it’s loving leadership. We hold the line on what matters, while we keep the door open for honest conversation. That’s how discipleship actually happens in a home—over time, with patience, and with a steady spirit.
This is a core principle of biblical parenting for teens—truth with relationship.
This phase is absolutely essential for parents.
FAQ: Talking With Teens as Christian Parents
Q: How do I talk to my teen when we disagree?
A: Listen fully first. Acknowledge their feelings. Share your values calmly later. Connection always comes before correction.
Q: Does listening mean I’m losing authority?
A: No. Listening strengthens influence. Authority without relationship becomes control.
Q: Why won’t my teenager open up to me?
A: Teens close off when conversations feel like lectures or interrogations. Consistent, low-pressure connection rebuilds trust.
Can Your Teen Trust You? Why These Years Shape Your Future Relationship
Can they trust us?
It’s no longer about whether we’ll catch them if they jump, but: Do we respect their opinion even when it’s against ours?
Do we still love them even when they act against our values?
Is our acceptance unconditional?
You can see it’s much more delicate than “catching.” So much more fragile.
Where are you on this?
Could this time be challenging for you?
Do you feel more comfortable at the very top of the hierarchy?
You say what should be done, and that’s that?
All of us are at different points in parenting, but we have to ask ourselves what kind of relationship we want to have with our adult children later. The relationship you have with your child during the middle years / teen years will fundamentally shape the later relationship.
What would you have wished for from your parents?
Know your weaknesses and work on them for your children, so you’re ready during this very important developmental season! I know mine, what are yours?
We will always make mistakes and that’s ok. Keeping a humble heart, especially with our teenagers can get harder, but is the key to their hearts. In this season, we’ll need to apologize more often. Stay open and approachable.
This is a hot topic in our house with 2 adults and one teenager. You might still have time. Use it wisely to prepare. Be a parent who proactively plans rather than reacts.
I have to pay close attention to my attitude when my child shares certain things with me, —especially with topics where I disagree. I can improve a lot there, and I know I can also learn a lot from my teenagers if I listen attentively and let them finish.
Sometimes my teenager also challenges me: Why do I think this way? Why are these values important to me?
It often helps me to know my goal. I want children who grow up and stand for what they believe, but who also show respect to people who don’t share the same opinion.
Listening to others doesn’t mean we agree with them—it means we respect them enough to hear their opinion.
People who are absolutely stubborn and don’t allow any other viewpoint are hard to deal with. I don’t have that trait when I’m with friends (or at least I think I don’t!), but unfortunately I do with my teenager. I know this weakness and I want to work on it.
How about you? Do you let your teenager finish?
Do you respect their opinion?
Do you try to change their mind—or do you really try to understand them? Do you really want to get to know them?
What’s your end goal for your children?
Use this time wisely and stay open—this entry here might be more for me than for you.
A 7-Day Reset: One Question a Day (No Lectures Allowed)
If you feel like your teen is slipping away, don’t wait for a crisis. For the next 7 days, ask ONE question a day—then stop talking. Your job is to listen, not to fix.
Day 1: What was the best part of your day?
Day 2: What was the hardest part?
Day 3: What’s something you wish adults understood?
Day 4: What’s something you’re thinking about a lot lately?
Day 5: Who do you feel most yourself around—and why?
Day 6: What’s one value you think matters most—and why?
Day 7: Is there anything you want to tell me but you’re not sure how?
Then say: “Thank you for trusting me.”
If correction is needed, pray first and return later—calm, clear, and short.
One more thing: listening doesn’t mean agreeing, and it doesn’t mean letting disrespect run the home. You can say, “I hear you,” and still say, “I don’t agree with you” Both can be true, and it can be done in a loving way.
This is how you raise respectful teenagers—teens who can communicate honestly while honoring authority.
Let us become a family where truth is not watered down and where we seek peace rather than challenging other opinions.
Quick Summary: Raising Teens Who Respect Authority and Speak Honestly
• Listen before correcting
• Hold boundaries with calm confidence
• Build daily connection through small moments
• Invite conversation, don’t force it
• Lead with truth and relationship together
I’ll finish with Romans 12:18 “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Peace is a choice, even when opinions differ.
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