Why Your Firstborn Needs Privileges
If you have more than one child, then you have an eldest. Whether you’re raising two or eight children, sooner or later you’ll face the question of what privileges your firstborn should have. Just as their responsibilities naturally increase within the family, so must their freedoms.
If responsibility keeps increasing but privileges don't, it's only natural to feel frustrated. And, quite frankly, that frustration is understandable. (Can you tell I’m the eldest?)
I care deeply about this subject not only because I’ve experienced it first-hand, but also because I’ve seen so many parents struggle with this tension. Many of them choose the easier route of not giving any privileges because they don't want to deal with the younger siblings' protests.
But is that really a good reason? “Equal rights for everyone, end of story.” Sure, it sounds noble—but if we dig deeper, it often comes from fear. Do we really want to sacrifice the natural growth and maturity of our eldest just to keep the younger ones momentarily satisfied? In doing so, we forget the cost: the very real and justified frustration of the eldest and not in a ungrateful way, but in a natural one, where responsibility must come with freedoms and may I add freedoms that the youngest do not have yet, but will grow into with age and maturity eventually.
I can almost feel the worry rising—do I really want to do this? Let me encourage you: if your kids are still little, this is easier to put in place, because they don’t know any different. But if your older ones are used to the “equal model,” brace yourself—there will be resistance. And that’s ok. Say it with me: that’s ok. Because we’re not parenting for today or for the quick satisfaction of everyone—let that sink in—we’re parenting for the future. We carry a vision: to teach our children that with age comes responsibility, but also freedom. And along the way, we train them in gratefulness and in rejoicing for others. Isn’t that a powerful lesson all in one? Isn’t that worth pursuing? I’d say yes.
Talk It Out First
First, talk it through with your spouse. Every parenting decision needs to be rooted in a clear, shared vision—not just a nice idea you picked up along the way. If you jump in without vision, it’s easy to give up when things get hard… and they will get hard.
Once you both see the bigger picture, believe in the 'why' and commit to it together, you'll have the strength to see it through. We’ve seen it happen many times before: parents hear a great idea, try it the next day, and then get overwhelmed by their younger kids' big emotions and loud protests. By day two or three, they’re exhausted and ready to give up, not because the idea was bad, but because they had no vision to sustain it.
A clear vision doesn’t make the process easy, but it makes it strong.
And if you’re a single parent, don’t walk this road alone. Find that family you admire and invite them into your journey. Ask them how they did it, learn from their perspective, and let them be your encouragement when you feel like giving up. We all need a village. And when those moments of doubt come, they’ll remind you of the vision and the decision you made. This is parenting with wisdom and strenght!
Now that this is settled, let’s dive into the next part together.
Inform Your Children
I purposely use the word inform—because this is not a democracy. You’re not asking your kids to vote on it. You are the parent, and with that comes the God-given responsibility not only to care for them but to make decisions for their good. I know this may feel like a wrestle for some of you—we’ll circle back to that later.
If your children are old enough to understand, tell them clearly what you and your spouse (or a trusted friend, if you’re parenting solo) have decided, and what changes will take place. Be willing to apologize to the older siblings—that this is something you should have done a long time ago. Don’t expect cheers or big smiles. From the eldest you might get it, but most of the time changes like this don’t come with applause. And that’s ok.
You are likely to hear sentences such as:
“THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR!”
“Why can’t I do that?!”
“Why are you always picking favorites?”
Or the classic: “You don’t even love me!”
This is followed by shouting, stomping feet, slammed doors and outright opposition. And, yes, sometimes even silent protests in the form of crossed arms, dramatic sighs or sulking in their room.
But I especially want to encourage those of you with older kids and explain why this principle is so important:
You acknowledge and honor the position of the oldest.
Freedoms and privileges communicate to the eldest that you trust them and believe in them. It’s not just about expecting and demanding more from them—you’re also confirming and respecting their need for freedom.You respect age limits.
Our society actually has age restrictions—whether it’s for the first visit to the cinema, for movies, video games, or amusement park rides. We all have to submit to them—whether we like them or not. Teaching our children to respect these boundaries is an important lesson.You teach the younger ones to rejoice for the older.
Contentment is an incredibly important aspect of life—not only for children, but also for adults (perhaps even more so…).You teach patience.
The younger ones learn to wait patiently until it’s their turn to enjoy the freedoms that come either with age or with demonstrated responsibility. Everything has its time.
What are some Priviledges you can give the eldest
Later Bedtime – Even just 15–30 minutes later than younger siblings shows recognition of maturity.
More Independence – Walking to school with friends, running small errands, or biking around the neighborhood earlier than the younger ones.
Special Time with Parents – Our eldest was able to watch a movie with daddy some weekends, movies that wheren’t for the younger ones.
Privilege of Trust – Getting technology earlier, obviously after we thought them first
Solo Activities — Joining a youth group, or trips earlier than siblings.
Recognition of Milestones — Celebrate their growing maturity with a “coming of age” moment (dinner out, special gift, blessing night, trip with parents).
…
These are just a few simple privilege ideas you can give your eldest. You don’t have to overhaul your whole routine — just start with one. For us, it began with something as small as letting our oldest stay up 10 minutes longer than the younger ones.
He actually needed a lot of sleep, so keeping him up much later wasn’t wise — but those extra 10 minutes made a difference. It gave him something that said, “You’re growing up. We see that.”
If your kids share a room, I know what you might be thinking: “Well, how on earth am I supposed to give one child extra time?”
We had the same dilemma. All of our three children slept in the same room. But here’s the thing — the privilege doesn’t have to be loud or obvious. It can be something simple like letting the eldest quietly read with a small light, listen to an audiobook with headphones, or just have a few extra minutes to talk with Mom or Dad in the living room.
Now, depending on your place in the sibling lineup, you might be nodding along as the eldest—or bristling, thinking this sounds inappropriate, unfair, even harsh.
Could it be that this is touching more than your current family situation?
What was your role growing up?
How were you treated as a child?
Do you cave to younger kids’ protests because it’s hard to make a decision and hold the line once pushback starts?
Do you hide behind the “reasonableness” of your eldest—the child who rarely demands their rights and simply adapts?
Take time to sit with this.
Invite Jesus to uncover the deeper issue. Often when a topic like this surfaces, something rumbles inside and we can’t name it. There’s that thin layer of resistance—our own—and we quit too soon, without bringing the real issue into the light. Ask the Holy Spirit to search your heart, and wait long enough to hear Him.
I write these blogs not to overwhelm you with information, but to give you a moment to pause and be real before God. To allow Him to meet you in the quiet places of your heart. This way, we as parents can raise our children not out of old wounds, fear or striving, but out of the freedom that Christ paid for with his blood.
You might be thinking, 'I don't have time for this.' But, my friend, you do. Every single day, we all choose where to spend our time and energy. Meeting with God and letting Him shape your heart as a parent is worth it. It will impact your children, grandchildren and even generations you may never meet. Its impact reaches beyond your home and beyond this one issue.
I encourage you: sit with Him. Let the noise quiet down. Allow His presence to reveal the areas that require His healing touch.
He loves meeting parents who are willing to be still, listen and let Him rewrite their story.
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